I was standing at the boarding door waiting for the first batch of First Class passengers to arrive when I heard the sounds of a Mom yelling at her kids echo through the jet bridge. I braced myself for what I was about to witness and on walked four boys: 14, 11, 8 and 6 years old. Right behind them was their father lugging all of their bags onto the plane and behind him was their Mom, Andrea. The boys began to get settled in their first class seats (side note: I never flew in first class anywhere when I was younger, lucky them!) as Andrea and her husband began to put all of their carryons away.

I snuck into Andrea’s row to offer her a pre-departure beverage as she was still getting settled, and she said “Honestly, I can’t think right now. Have you tried to travel with four boys?” I laughed, and said “No, actually, I haven’t — I’ll come back in a bit.” Five minutes later, right after she about fell into her seat I went back over to her and said “Now that you have a moment to breathe.. Can I get you anything?” She looked right at me and said “Bobby, Mama needs a drink.” That it was, at this moment, I knew we were going to be friends. I laughed with her and asked her what she wanted.. And she wanted me to surprise her.. So I mixed a little champagne and cranberry juice to get her going.

Once we got in the air the task of meals and drinks for her kids was getting cumbersome. Her youngest didn’t like anything we were offering and her 8 year old was so upset that he wasn’t allowed to drink a Sprite that he refused to decide on a meal choice. Andrea apologized, ordered for everyone, and then ordered herself a glass of white wine. Right as I delivered it to her, I asked her to taste it first. Something I’ve learned while being a flight attendant: people have very different palates when it comes to wine. She didn’t like it. She handed it back to me and said “would you mind if I had the red wine instead?” “Of course not,” I responded. She quickly added, “you can finish the rest of it if you want.” I had to remind her that I was working and I could lose my job for drinking the rest of her white wine. She laughed and said she already considered me a friend and just wanted me to join the party.

After the meals were delivered and cleaned up Andrea asked me for Clamato juice. A product that we don’t have, don’t plan to have and I hope we never have. I’m not a fan of it. She was hoping for the juice so that I could recreate her favorite drink from her hometown of Vancouver (shocker, it seems only Canadians go for Clamato). I had her rattle off the ingredients and I did the best I could to make it minus the taste of clams. During this process Andrea and I were talking about their trip, they were flying to Disney for a long weekend with the kids and then asked if I had ever been to Vancouver. I told her that I hadn’t been but I’m planning to visit next year. Instantly, she whips out her Blackberry and asks for my number. I laughed and said “you’re not going to remember me in a year” and then all of her a sudden her silent-thus-far husband said “oh yes she will.” She sneered at him and said, “and I’ll take you out drinking and show you the best of Vancouver.. Now, what’s your number?” After I gave it to her, her husband said “you should take a picture of him and add it to the contact so you’ll remember who he is when he calls you in 12 months.” She said, “I don’t know how to do that” and without even looking at his phone, he was able to talk her through it and finished the tutorial by saying “see we should talk more” and she said, “Well that won‘t happen, I have Bobby now.”

Stuck in between a husband and a wife.. I left that conversation for a while and hid behind the galley curtain. I was talking to one of the other flight attendant’s while we ate our lunch about passengers joining the mile high club and I told her about this one instance where I had passengers actually ask for permission to use the back restroom to join. Just as I said that Andrea’s husband yelled out from row one, “hey Bobby..” I peeked out from behind the curtain and said “yessssss…” in a very playful tone — and he responded with “Andrea and I were wondering if you could watch the kids for a few.” I was confused.. And said, “sure, why?” thinking they may have family in the back they wanted to visit with. He then said “so we could go in the bathroom and join as well?” I laughed, mostly nervously knowing they heard my conversation, “is that okay?” he said. Andrea chimed in quickly, laughing, “who is he kidding? A few? Try 30 seconds! Can I have another double bloody mary? I‘m not moving.” He looked at me, smiled and said: “well, it was worth a shot.”

A few hours after landing, I received a text message from Andrea: “I know I asked you if you ever traveled with 4 boys. Now, Imagine being at Disneyland with 4 boys. This is going to require a lot of Mommy helpers and a few drinks. It was great meeting you, stay in touch! I wish you were beer [here].”

Let’s hope she did her research and knew before hand that they don’t serve alcohol at Mickey’s house. She’s going to find her sanity before she finds a drink.

June 17: On the night of June 17th, I commuted to Los Angeles to be in position to work my trip departing the next morning. It was a trip I was looking forward to because I was working with one of my best friends Aimee, and a good friend Billy.

My routing for the 4 days was: LAX-DC 15hr layover | DC-San Francisco, sit at the airport for 2 hours then deadhead (fly as a passenger) to Las Vegas 16 hour layover | Las Vegas-SF-DC 10 hour layover | Then, DC back to LA. In 4 days that was 10,612miles worth of flying, or 23 hours and 27 minutes.

You can still see the tags! ha!

June 18: I went out on my layover in DC to Macy*s and bought some clothes for the Travel Blog Exchange. Something I didn’t want to do but the deals were too great! I spent $50 and walked out of the store with $200 worth of clothes. My receipt said I had $150 in savings. Crazy! From there we went out to Red Robin for burgers. Aimee ordered an “Endless Root Beer Float” but  the way the server acted, she ordered a pot of gold. The server had no idea what she was trying to order even though it was clearly displayed in the menu. Finally, they bring her a float in a beer mug, half full. In one sip it was empty. She asked for a refill and got another float in a smaller glass. Again, in one sip – it was gone. Now Aimee had asked the server to bring the ice cream and the root beer in different glasses so she could make it herself since they were clearly lost on how to make the beverage. This time, they brought her a vanilla shake. It was crazy how many times they tried to make this drink, which is on their menu, but couldn’t.

June 19: As if I hadn’t spent enough money already of course we were going to go out in Las Vegas. We decided to go see Carrot Top and it was a great choice! He’s hilarious and if you’re in Vegas you need to check him out. Spent another $45 on the tickets, plus dinner and drinks and of course, a bit of gambling.

June 20: Finally back in DC.. went to sleep.

June 21: Had an early morning flying back to base in Los Angeles.. done around 10am. After I arrived, I went to my friend Sue’s house for the night because though this trip was over.. I started a two day trip the next morning.

Trip details: LA-San Fran-San Diego-San Fran 16 hour layover | Deadhead from San Fran to Toronto then work back to Los Angeles.

June 22: I arrived at work at 7am for an 8am flight, did the turns to San Diego and retired to my hotel room in San Francisco. I was so worn out, run down and broke. There was no energy for anything.

June 23: Deadheading was nice. I got to relax, write a little bit and take a short nap. Working back to LA was a piece of cake. Small scare though, we arrived in Los Angeles late and I thought I missed my last flight to Phoenix. I was in luck! Southwest was delayed too.. sat in the LAX airport for 3 hours waiting for my flight after working a 12hr day. Flew home to Phoenix

June 24: Got to sleep in my own bed for the first time in six days. Amazing. Unpacked my luggage, did laundry and repacked my luggage. Off to NYC tomorrow morning for TBEX.

June 25: A 4am wake up call comes extremely early. Luckily I wasn’t flying standby thanks to Mike and had confirmed seats to Dallas, then onward to Newark to meet up with Sara. Board my flight at 5:30am, sit next to crazy lady who won’t stop talking about her ex-husband and how they used to travel. Pretending to fall asleep to make her stop — doesn’t work. You can hear/read more about her, here. Finally land in New York to the smiling face of Sara Keagle. For the first time we meet in person! We then head into the city to meet up with Mike and whisk off to record a live taping The Crew Lounge, later we attend the first night of TBEX.

June 26: I slept on a pull out couch the night before, needless to say didn’t sleep that well. But, chipper for TBEX we head to the event. Got to meet Gailen David, Paul Thompson, Grace, Sarah,  and Heather on day one. After the conference broke, we headed to the TripAdvisor Happy Hour (thanks for the notebooks!) There, I got to meet Jeff, and Jennifer. Jennifer and I talked for a while about Punta Gorda, Florida (who knew!?), my book and blog. She told me about what she does in travel PR, freelancing PR and about her blog. Great conversation. Head back to the hotel for a wardrobe change before the party that night, depressed because I didn’t win an iPad. After a one hour quick change, we head back downtown to the EuroCheapo.com / BootsNAll.com After Party. There I got to meet a TON of people thanks to Mike and his bright idea to enter me into the best dressed contest. People I never met before and won’t see again.. have pictures of me on their cell phones. It’s OK to delete them! Got the word out about The Crew Lounge and hung out with Beth, Tom, Sarah, Grace and Colleen most of the night. Met Amy Kemp discussed blogging ideas that I never thought of before. Also met Christine and joined the gay mafia. After late night Japanese food and a long walk back to the hotel (and Sara placing The Crew Lounge business cards on every car along the way while asking people to listen to us)… bed.

June 27: Super tired, we decide to skip TBEX day two. Won’t happen next year. Sara & I also had to fly back home today, so we’d have to leave the conference early anyway.  Mike comes over with breakfast, we do a photo shoot for promo pictures and discuss what we’re going to work on next. Then we head out to Penn Station. Sara gets on a train to Newark, and I head to JFK. That was an ordeal.. read about that here. Finally get home to Phoenix. Unpack, repack. Back to work tomorrow.

June 28: In shock that I have to go to work tonight, I put in a drop request for my trip. Denied. Tired to the point that I can’t keep my eyes open.. I try again. Denied. 4pm I head to the airport. One flight, one leg — I can do it. I fly from Los Angeles to Toronto on the redeye with a great crew. Land early in the morning on the 29th.

June 29th: Head right to bed. Sleep, finally, 8 hours. I wake up at 4:30pm and call the crew to get dinner. We eat, then drink. We drink a lot to pre-game for company party we were invited to. After an ordeal over whose really driving us there.. I pay for a cab. I walked a redcarpet and had my photo taken.. first time for everything. We party. Dance. Mingle. And get tired. 11:30pm we head back to the hotel. This time, Sue paid.

June 30th: Wake up at 5am. I can’t believe I’m up at 5am after only sleeping four and a half hours. Head to airport to work back to San Francisco then onto Los Angeles before heading home. Have a minor medical emergency and issues with nonrevs, meet David and Dan. Nice guys. Head home. Friend reminds me I agreed to help him move. Damn! Head to his house to help him move…can’t back out.. he helps me a lot. Move done. Head to bed at 10pm. 18 hours after I woke up.

After all of that, on July 1st, I wake up to a fever, chills and a sore throat and I’m still nursing back to heath. It all caught up with me after 13 days of travel. However, I had an awesome time meeting everyone at TBEX and those that I met while working and getting to New York. A big thanks goes out to Mike at UPGRD, who also produces The Crew Lounge for Sara and I, if it wasn’t for him getting us the hotel and my tickets to/from New York I wouldn’t have been able to attend. Thank you Mike.

I bought my ticket for TBEX’11.. did you? Oh yeah — and I’m bidding vacation for it next year — this schedule isn’t happening again. In 13 days I flew 25,547 miles.

DC is expecting over a foot of snow tonight into tomorrow, and my flight is supposed to depart at 7am. I wish they’d just release me and let me go home. But at the same time, today provides for some much needed catchup time with my friend Jenn, who I’m flying with and my friend Aimee, who just landed here in LA from…DC. She was lucky, she was the first and only flight out!

Well.. I’ll keep you updated.. this trip is full of surprises.

Thanks to the storm on the left, my schedule is up in the air, literally. My LAX DC flight is canceled so now I’m waiting for a re-assignment.

Who knows where I can end up.. I’m hoping to just work to LA, layover, then deadhead to DC to pick up the rest of my trip. Let’s hope that happens. Less work + same pay = Happy FA

Just after take off I went to the overhead bin where my bags were stowed to get my lunch bag when someone behind the bulkhead asked me if I had a blanket. Because of “swine flu” we no longer have blankets, so I apologized to her and told her that we do sell them though and that she was welcome to order one. While this conversation took place, the woman sitting in the middle seat behind the passenger who asked me for a blanket started waving her hand in my face to get my attention. She didn’t raise her hand, she didn’t ring the call button, she didn’t say excuse me; she instead waved her hand as close to my face as she could possibly get. In the middle of explaining to the lady why we had no blankets, I had to stop, turn to this woman and say “I’ll be with you in a minute” to have her reply “well, that was rude.”

I’m sorry, “I’ll be with you in a minute” was RUDE? Was your hand in my face NOT rude?

So, I brought my bag back to the galley then returned to this woman to see what she needed. She told me she was having a problem watching the inflight movie and that she couldn’t hear any audio. The reason why she couldnt hear any audio was because she plugged her headphones into her neighbors headphone jack. So, I pointed out the problem and went back to work.

Later, after doing a trash run, I was headed back to the galley when hands went flailing again as I walked past her row, this time she was thirsty and wanted something to eat. The flight attendants in the main cabin had just past her row and when asked if she wanted a beverage, she said no.  So I explained to her how cabin service worked, and got her a drink.

Mid-flight I was bringing a drink to someone in the main cabin, when she threw her hands in my face again. This time, I told her that I didn’t really appreciate that, and that she should use the call button. She waved her hands at me again and said “anyway..” and continued on with her request. This time she pointed at her travel partner in the window and said “he wants his light put on.” I looked at her in disbelief. She really waved me down to hit the reading light button. So I turned it on and left.

I understand that as passengers you might want the flight attendants attention for one reason or another, but please don’t be rude about it. Please realize there are 149 other people on the plane who also want/need something from us, so please ring the call button and get in line. Don’t throw your hands in my face, especially for things you can do yourself, like turning on a light. Thanks for reading my Rant!

Sleeping: DON’T ORDER FOOD THEN FALL ASLEEP. First Class specifically, you, sir, placed your order with me for food and proceeded to tell me how hungry you were. I rush your food out to you, to find you SLEEPING. Seriously?!

Boarding: Yes, there is in fact people behind you, also with luggage. Don’t look back and hold up the line.. keep moving!

Complaints: Don’t complain to me that we “ran out of” a menu option when the option you’re complaining about wasn’t even offered on our flight PERIOD. Read the menu, specifically where it says “Westbound Flights ONLY”

Oh yeah, lastly, the headrests are NOT removable. Don’t try.

Lord.. and that was just BOS-LAX. Onward to JFK from LA!

One, specifically, cracked me up so much I had to share.

We were light, 100 people, so we were sitting in the last row of seats snacking and this guy came to the back and started touching things on the galley counter. I jumped out of the seat and asked if there was anything I could get for him. He said “do you have chips” as he was touching my trailmix.

I said, yeah we have pringles you can buy. He said “no no, I want french fries”

My eyebrows raised as high as the empire state building as I looked over quickly to my other FAs sitting there laughing uncontrollably, and said “I’m sorry we don’t have french fries” he said “really? no fries” I said, thats right.. no fries.

He then said “okay how about pineapple juice” — then I lost it. I said to him “how did we just go from french fries to pineapple juice?, unfortunately, we don’t have pineapple we have apple, OJ, cranapple and tomato” and he said “pineapple.”

Finally, I pointed at the OJ and said: “How about OJ?” he agreed.

Later, one of my other FAs was doing a trash pickup.. and as she got to his row he stopped her. He opened up her trash bag, looked inside, touched some items and said “no thanks, I’m okay” — as if she was passing out free food/beverages from her trash bag!! I was on the floor laughing! She was so grateful I happened to be behind her and witnessed this because she said no one would have believed her if she re-told that story.

Weird people come out in the night!

I’m starting a new category called “Live from the Line.” You saw it yesterday when I posted a picture of my RV before I left JFK. When I’m on a trip and updating the blog from my phone (my new TMobile G1) with photos and stuff happening “live” it’ll carry that title and category name. I think it’ll be fun for some of the non-FA readers to follow along on some of my trips and to keep you all updated when something is happening “now.”

RV Photos: Twitter and blogger friend skyhighboysyd posted his RV photo! I want to see more! Post them to your blog or send them in! I’ve seen some crazy bags out there in the airports and I know you’re probably trailing one of them! Let see what you take along with you.. if you’re brave enough.. open it up haha!

If you don’t want to post it to your blog or don’t have a blog, mail them to me: PlaneAndSimple@ymail.com.

If you have any questions about the above, please contact your supervisor.