Confessions from Peggy Stew

Posted in check it out, InFlight Insight, Peggy Stew | 2 comments

Over the years I have always been the source of entertainment at parties and family gatherings. Everybody wants to hear an airline story. So I would tell whatever happened at work that week. Of course, nobody would believe me. Seriously people, could I make this @%$! Up?
The most frequent question I get asked is, “What’s the craziest thing that has happened on one of your flights”? I usually reply, “How much time do you have”? After reviewing my twenty-four year career in high speed aluminum tubing, here’s my top pick:

The Mile High surprise!

I was working a flight from New York to London one night at my previous airline. A man and a woman were seated together by the back galley, were I was working. It was obvious that they did know each other. They immediately found a common bond, alcohol. As their in-flight party continued, their personal space decreased. They were really starting to love the one they were with! When the heavy petting began, the flight attendant’s drive by’s started. If you ever see one flight attendant, after another, slowly walking down the aisle, this is a drive by.

All ten crewmembers have now set up camp in the back galley to watch the airplane porn progress. The couple felt like they had to explore their new found love in the back lav. On the 747, there is a hallway behind the galley that leads to a huge lav, that we called “the condo”. Mile high wannabes always think they are being inconspicuous. Flight attendants see, and hear everything. Working in a human container, one becomes very observant.
Once the couple had set up shop in the condo, we did what any good crew would do, listened outside the door. We were laughing our asses off, because in their throws of passion, they didn’t lock the door. The door was cracked, and we could see in. I think we even started fighting over who had more seniority, to get the best voyeur position. Yes, we get bored on long flights. The “lady” was sitting on top of the sink, and the “gentleman”, was facing her with his back to the door. Right when I was about to throw them a pair of plastic wings welcoming them into the club, he came flying back at us. He fell through the door and landed at our feet. In his hands he was holding his in-flight lover’s prosthetic leg! With a look of complete shock, he looked up at us and said “WTF!”. My thoughts exactly.

At that point I wish I had a pair of Flight Attends on, (for civilians, that’s Depends). I have not laughed that hard in a long time. All I can say is Thank God for water-proof mascara. I had to leave the scene, and left my crewmembers to pick up the pieces, no pun intended after the initial shock wore off He scrambled to his feet, and then took off down the aisle trying to pull his pants up. I have no idea where he thought he was going to escape to, trust me, I have tried. Never one to miss anything, I took off after him. I thought damn, this is going to be one hell of a bar story!
I found him in the first class galley, riffling through the beverage cart. I asked him what he was looking for, and if I could help him. In flight attendant speak, that means “get the hell out of my galley”! He started yelling “I need a drink; I ripped that chick’s leg off”! I started to tell him that it was a prosthetic leg, but where is the fun in that? Maybe I should tell him that his super human strength was due to the cabin pressurization? Too much work. Instead I gave him some water, and found him a whole row to lie down in. Thank god, we weren’t full. After putting him down for an alcohol induced coma, I went back to the scene of love gone wrong. I found the poor woman in her seat sound asleep. Next to her, in her former in-flight lover’s seat, was her prosthetic leg.

Now I ask you, could I make this #!@$ up? What’s your best story?