Boarding: The Three Ring Circus

Posted in A Day in the Life of a Flight Attendant | 8 comments

At my airline, boarding commences 35 minutes prior to scheduled departure and not a minute before, that’s the unspoken “InFlight” rule. At an outstation we get to the airport about an hour prior to departure to properly prepare for boarding… it takes time.

Coffee. It helps, I don’t care who says it doesn’t. Preferably, I’d like a large McDonald’s Iced Coffee with 3 pumps of sugar and cream (they normally put 6!). It’s cheaper than Starbucks and sometimes I think it tastes better. I feel the caffeine has to be flowing through your veins before you start playing the big game of carry-on tetris and watch the clock countdown to push time.

We arrive to the gate around 45 prior, get the loads, specials, and get read the riot act by the agents (or so they think): “Its a full flight so, we’d like to board in 5 minutes.” Yeah, okay. We’ll see if that happens. We head down to the aircraft and prep our galleys, cabins and do our safety checks. 2 minutes after getting down there the children start nagging agents show up and as if their word is final and say “okay so we’ll start in 3 minutes?” To which my response is usually: “no, my manual says 35 prior.. 35 prior it is. See you in 8 minutes!”

The countdown begins. Eight more minutes of silence, clear thinking, and a stress free day. Two minutes prior.. I pick up the PA and announce to the other FAs: “They’re Coming!!”

I usually stand in the front for boarding, looking back I see the other FAs taking their boarding positions after saying their respectful prayers for a good group of passengers and a stress free flight; and looking up the jetbridge, I’m waiting to see the light. When that door opens.. the circus of boarding begins.

First Class pre-boards. Easy enough.. everyone is usually a business traveler or they’re used to flying in first and they know the deal. I start my pre-departure service and like a robot keep repeating “no, I’m sorry there are no closets on board.” Along with first class, premium economy boards as well. The first class wanna-be’s. They always look over as I’m preparing the pre-departure drinks and salivate over the thought of a cocktail. Not today, you’re behind the bulkhead.

Just as I finish delivering the last first class beverage, the main cabin starts to trickle in. This is always a sight to see. I’m there, smiling (as always, no matter how bad of a day or little sleep I’ve had) saying my “Good Morning!” and “Welcome Aboard!” to everyone who steps on the airplane. It’s funny watching the passengers reactions. Some, respond quickly with “good morning! how are ya?” which is ALWAYS nice. A talker, someone to converse with, someone fun. Some just nod, smile and keep walking. Or, a pet peeve of mine, some are on their phone and don’t acknowledge you AT ALL. I’m sorry, you just walked past one of the three people in this cabin whom can possibly save your life, the LEAST you can do is say “hello.” But I digress.

I make my boarding announcement which is the typical “small items below the seats, bigger carry-ons up top..coats on top of stuff in the bin already..space is limited.” No one listens. Boarding continues.

The next person who boards looks at first class, leans back and whispers to her friend “ohhh.. so this is first class.. its nice..” turns to me and says “the agent said if there was any seats left in First that I could sit here.” Sure they did, what I want to say is “well they also told me we were going to board 45 minutes prior and that didn’t happen!” but I smile and say “I’m sorry, its checked-in full,” and point to the main cabin.

The next group is headed to a bachelorette party. The hats and branded t-shirts gave it away.. okay it lied. Its the screaming the whole way down the jetbridge to the airplane explaining how drunk they’re going to get. They get on and surprisingly ask “where’s the alcohol! I can’t wait!” as if I didn’t hear them in the jetbridge. I, again the bearer of bad news, inform them that the bar is closed on the ground, but they can get something once we get in the air.

The mom with 4 kids boards behind them. Diaper bags flinging, kids running and screaming, toys falling — all while she’s folding up the stroller and yells into the plane, like I’m 2 miles away, “where do I leave this!??!” — in the same place you did last time hun, next to the door to the ramp. They take their seats right behind the bulkhead. Apparently the mother paid for premium seating for the family so the children could have room to play.

The older man in the last row of first class, just in front of the mother and kids, gets up and heads toward me with a look of disgust on his face. He tells me “I expected to sleep on this flight.” To which my automatic response was “okay, most people do.” He then points to the mom with 4 kids and asks me to re-seat them away from first class. Can you IMAGINE having that conversation with the mother? Me either. I didn’t do it. I politely told him that she paid the upgrade fee for the family to sit there for the flight, and unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about that. On a positive note, you get a free pillow and blanket.

After the last few passengers step on the plane, I make the extended boarding announcement. Repeating everything I said earlier, this time adding “the bins are filling up so we really need your cooperation…after your things are put away please take your seats as soon as possible so we can have an on time departure.” Again, no one listened.

I leave my post in first class heading aft to assist the other 2 flight attendants with bins, bags and briefings. One of the other FAs runs down a list of things that she has been asked for “someone in the exit seat doesn’t want to sit there, 9B needs a seat that does recline, the last row didn’t realize they were in the last row and wants to be re-sat, over there is a mother and her 2 kids and they aren’t sitting together and lastly, this needs to be gate-checked.”

I’ll handle the bag. I take the bag upfront, pass it off to the ground service team and make a PA that all the bins are full and to please bring any bags that don’t fit to front. Of course, nothing comes to the front. Instead, like monkey’s the passengers who have yet to stow their bags are hanging from the bins trying desperately to get them to fit. They seem shocked when we don’t help. I quickly walk over and explain that we’re 4 minutes from departure time and we need to check it because there’s no room nor time to find a place for it. You always get the “but I need my bag” which turns into “do you know who I am?” Okay, Sharon Stone, I don’t care who you are. Your bag doesn’t fit. So like a kid in a candy store, I begin a tug of war with the passengers to rip the bags out of their hands and get them off the plane and into cargo.

Finally, everyone is seated (happily or unhappily), the designated FA is doing the overwing briefing while the other is doing a compliance check — the gate agents are in the flight deck crunching numbers with the pilots.. and after the FA at overwing is done she heads my way and I hear the two words which are music to my ears: Cabin Ready.

“Cabin Ready” means boarding is complete.. people are seated… bins are closed.. seatbelts are on.. its over!

The agents look my way to make sure the briefings are done and theres no more bags, they always ask “Cabin Ready?” and my response is always.. “yep..lets go!” .. the door closes and the circus in the air begins.